Simple tasks.....

When I was a young woman, I designed and sewed most of my own clothing. Then, life got difficult, I began to be ill more often and I forgot how to use my sewing machine. Just like that, I simply couldn't figure out how to thread it or adjust it or use any of the features. Dress patterns no longer made any sense. I quite literally didn't know what to do, so I stopped sewing. For decades, simple mending was a challenge.

Occassionally, out of the blue, I would sit down and alter or embellish something without thought, as though the memory of sewing skills still existed in my fingers, but not in my brain.

A decade or so ago, I forgot how to cook. Just like that, I couldn't follow simple recipes. I couldn't figure out how to use my appliances. It became a challenge just to reheat food. When my husband was out of town on business, my neighbor fed me.

When he wasn't, I became the master of the last minute dinner, relying heavily on prepared ingredients and take out.

Sometimes, I would find myself simply cooking without thought... effortlessly combining spices to create something new and wonderful. But I could never recreate the dish because I literally didn't know what I had done.

Recently, I forgot how to blog. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn't figure out how to get to the website, what my passwords were to get in and how I posted something new.

Fortunately, years of these episodes have taught me to write myself instructions so I have something to follow when I forget or I wouldn't be writing now. It would have helped had I left them closer to the computer so I could get in before I forgot what I wanted to say, but no system is perfect.

I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and multiple chemical sensitivities and I have dealt with all three in some form for most of my life. For me, the greatest challenge has been the unreliability of my thought process when I am not doing well.

Sometimes, thinking is easy... sometimes it's more challenging. Some days I could be a rocket scientist if I wanted, other days I function just barely above retardation. The biggest challenge is figuring out just which mode I am in and whether or not I can compensate. On the rare days I can't ask or answer that question, I lay low.

If too many of those days string themselves together or if i spend weeks barely functioning, it is easy to get very discouraged. Lately though, I have rediscovered a truth about myself that gives me hope. I may forget how to do simple tasks, but I still have a grasp of the complex. Anything I have ever learned is still there if I can crack the code to access it; If I can just struggle through the initial steps.

It is a good thing that I have been a perpetual student, always interested in what I didn't know, because there is never a shortage of things for me to relearn if I just take the time and effort to push past the easy part.

I am taking up fabric art again. There will always be someone around who can help me figure out how to run my sewing machine. If not, I'll just wait for my brain to clear and follow my own instructions. If it takes so long that I can't remember my orginal design, I'll come up with another.

I am cooking again. I am a gifted but unreliable cook. On good days, I freeze meals for the days when reheating is almost more than I can do. But mostly, I give myself permission to sometimes just get it wrong. If it's inedible, we can always go out.

I am trying to give up my frustration for things I can't change so they are no longer roadblocks to doing the things I can. I can't control my illness. There are simply too many variables impacting my health. But I can continually relearn the simple tasks that keep me from the creativity I enjoy.

I suppose there is a lesson in all of this. Tomorrow or the next day, when I can see it, if I remember, I'll share it with you:) Today I am glad to just be able to post.